October 5, 2011

Open marriage: is it for you?

Recently we met friends out for drinks. We have hung out with this couple on several occasions. Normally it's just a foursome, but this time the couple invited another couple - who in turn invited more. Sounds like a good time!

It was just the four of us for several hours before the group arrived. Introductions were made and everyone sat down chatting. Generally in group settings I am a social butterfly but this night I was in a low key mood so I didn't force conversation on anyone. I have to be honest - I felt a little intimidated by the other women. They were already friends, beautiful and really didn't care to talk to me. Besides the niceties of hello they were at one end of the table and I was at the other. This didn't really bother me as I was happy where I was chatting with the couple we intially came with. A couple of the guys would come down for a little conversation now and again so the evening still went well.

As we left I handed out a couple of my cards with my website on it and we were on our way for the evening. It didn't take long to start receiving emails from one of the men interested in me. He offered a private time with him, just him and just me. I explained to him that while occassionally we play separate for the most part we are a team in this sport. He understood and told me he and his wife play separate mostly and was still really interested in me. The emails came and went - he doesn't give up easily. But in reality, I'm not comfortable with the situation so no matter how attracted to him I may be I prefer it to be a couples swap.

This isn't the first time this had happened. Sometimes the men are honest and admit that they aren't playing by their swinger rules and other times they tell me they have an open marriage.

The idea of open marriage is still a little awkward for me. I'm uncomfortable going out on Friday night to hook up while my husband sits at home on the couch. And while this is ok for some, it's not ok for me yet. I'm certain I am not alone in this feeling and I am just as certain there are the same amount of people have no problem being open.

I am interested in opinions on this topic so please leave me yours!

1. I agree with you, keep it together for a long lasting marriage/relationship, separate can bring nothing but issues!
2. Not our thing!
3. My wife and I are in a one way open marriage and it works fine. I can handle her other relationships as long as she tells me everything. You may think I'm a chump but she will never leave me or cheat because I give her room.
4. We aren't open although the hubs has played alone before. For now at least we agree with you. Can't imagine being out on a swing date while my husband sits at home... It works for some, but at least for now, that doesn't include not us.
5. My wife and I consider swinging to be part of our sex life as a couple so we play together. We prefer same room so we can be aware of the other's experience . We will do separate rooms on occasion but so far only with a couple we have been with before.
6. I am interested in reading how swinging has deepened your marriage.
7. My wife and I have an open marriage where I am the one who normally plays separate. She has a few times, but just isn't interested in it all that much. We've been doing this for years and we are even closer and friendlier with each other as ever so I have to say that it works for us. Most of our swinger friends don't subscribe to this playstyle, and that's fine. But we have been the subject of a moderate amount of negative criticism - not nice. Anyway, I do have several regular girlfriends that I see on an occasional basis. They are all involved in relationships themselves. It's all fun. My wife loves to hear about the fun I have. Just in case you were wondering, we have a very active sex life at home, and we also play with other couples as often as possible. Maybe I just have a very high sex drive? Whatever, it all works really well for us.
8.  fairness, lots of marriages fail. When an open marriage fails most times it would have done so anyway. Sure a certain percentage are do to specifics related to the open lifestyle, but not all. Bottom line, people have to be open and honest in any relationship and most people aren't comfortable showing all their cards, especially to the people we're the most vulnerable with.