April 19, 2011

My top 10 swinger club pet peeves

by Rebecca Ammon

If you have ever been to a swinger club you probably have encountered a few things that just bug you. I recently visited a local swinger club and noticed that some things and people just seem to miss the mark on proper behavior and attire. The following are my top 10 of swinger club pet peeves.

1. Inappropriate clothing:  I am not talking about dressing provacative - this means you are dressing like you are going to Walmart - anywhere but a club where the sole purpose is to impress someone else enough that they want to have sex with you. I have seen people in basketball shorts, Teeva Sandals, crappy t-shirts, flip flops; I could go on but you get the idea. I like to shop at the discount stores such as TJMaxx or Marshals. I can always find a $10-20 dress that is perfect for a night out at the club. If you can't afford a discount dress - you don't need to be spending the money on the over priced entrance and alcohol either.
2. Never using a towel:  You are sitting on a community couch, bare ass cheeks gracing the vinyl, and most likely pleasure juices escaping from you loins. Remember, someone else is going to sit there later and someone else has sat there before. Was every inch of that seat cleaned and disenfected? Who is to say. Put down a towel not just for your safety and cleanliness, but also the next persons.
3. Dirty bathrooms:  At the beginning of the night at a swingers club the bathrooms are clean, but as the evening progresses and more than one drunk has relieved themselves in more than one way, the bathrooms become dirty, clogged, etc. Do your best to be neat, tidy, and clean in the bathroom. Also, the clubs need to do their part byconstantly checking the status of the bathroom.
4. Screamers:  I am not the most quiet in a bunch of swingers, but I am also not a screamer. Yes, sex feels good and if an orgasm does occur, that is even better, but is it really necessary to scream, yell or cry (yes I said cry)? Be kind to your neighbors in the room next door and don't sound ridiculous.
5. Ugly/ill fitting shoes:  Seriously, do you only own one pair of shoes? You have just paid $60-$100 to get into the door of this private/exclusive club and you are wearing crappy sandals or tennis shoes. Put on some nice footwear. It really does make or break the outfit. And if walking in stilettos is difficult for you, pick out a pair that is just a smidge lower. Shuffling in high heels is equally as unattractive as wearing flip flops.
6. Bad breath:  Whether you are a smoker or just have icky mouth, carry breath spray, mints, or gum with you at all times. When the music is loud and you must get close to me to talk I don't want to smell your stinkiness. FYI: fresh minty breath also increases your chance of getting a kiss from me.
7. Forgetting your condoms:  You are at a swingers club and you didn't bring a condom? Wth??
8. Apologizing:  You were quick to the finish line, you are sorry if it wasn't good, you are sorry you couldn't get it up. Stuff happens, apologizing over and over again only makes you look weak and unconfident. I understand, no apology is necessary.
9. Women who follow me into the bathroom stall:  Maybe I was letting you kiss me or grind on me on the dance floor, but that isn 't an invitatioin to join me while I take a pee break. Leave me alone in there.
10. Unwanted advances:  Don't think you are allowed to just kiss me because you find me attractive. If I haven't spoken to you and given you any inkling that I am interested, keep your lips, hands, arms, along with everything away from me.

Reader Additions

1. Creepy single guys, people trying to peek in your room.
2. Guys wearing tightie whities (I mean really? you're a grown up at a   SWING CLUB!).
3. To be in the middle of an amazing, sweaty, earth shattering carnal  moment and having some one repeatedly asking, can we join in ... over and over again.  Uh, yes there's always the possibility but timing... jeez.
4. "My wife really digs your wife .." translation, would your wife like to  join us for a 3 way while you go twiddle your thumbs, get a beer, or contemplate Newton's law of gravity .....
5. While in the middle of the same type of moment as described in #3,  couple opens door, walks in, oh we were using this room a while ago and my wife lost an earring .... sure no problem, we weren't doing anything compelling. (Contributed by Salty Edward Stroker)

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