July 29, 2011

Is monogamy dead?

Who says monogamy is dead?  I meet 1/3 of the above definition.  Does that mean I am in a monogamous relationship?  Yes and no.

Society today seems to still believe that once you are married you should only have sex with that person the rest of your life.  But it seems a large portion of that population is seeking some type of fling or alternate type of relationship.

The definition of an affair encompasses more than just a sexual encounter with another.  According to Seth on Tampa Bay's radio station 97X, it is perfectly ok for him to visit websites to drool over bountiful behinds.  His choice for this week, according to a recent bit on the radio, was girls in yoga pants.  He further stated that his soon-to-be bride, Phoebe, actually encourages the behavior by graciously setting the computer desktop to photos of hot booty.  Monogamous behavior?  Some would say yes and others would say no.  This scenario goes along with the theory of you can look but you can't touch, but tons of people believe this is flat out cheating.

Even though the couple is in a committed relationship reality proves that they haven't lost all attraction to others.  Our minds just don't totally shut off because we have someone important in our lives.

That brings me to swingers.  My relationship with my husband is based on standards that we have set for us.  While our rules may not be the same as yours, it works for us and forms our own definition of monogamy.  Would our type of relationship fit into Seth and Phoebe's rules?  Most likely not, but their rules won't fit into another couples view of monogamy either.

To say that we were created to maintain a life with one person ever is challenged daily by people who date.  Most people today will have had several sexual partners before settling down to a monogamous relationship.  And how the relationship is defined is only relative to the ever changing terms two people create.

Setting rules of never looking at another human being in any type of sexual manner is unreasonable.  Believing  your partner would never have interest in another person is just ignorant.  The fact that websites like AshleyMadison are rocketing to the top of the charts for profiting off of the non-monogamous.

Monogamy is really a lost art form if it actually ever existed.  For all those out there that say my relationship is not normal and my definition of monogamy is incorrect might be surprised to find that their scewed views are more uncommon these days.

1. Oh, the belief in monogamy is rampant. The practice of it however a bit less so, in my researchs, and there are always consequences when it is duly practiced. Monogamy is, after all, the strangest of human beliefs and behaviours.
2. Monogamy is best when only practiced by your partners. (yes, that is a joke)
3. One should always be true to the one one is fucking. :P
4. It isn't dead, it's just so hard to keep up.
5. Love the one your with, as that song goes. I was just talking to someone on this subject. It seems to be antiquated.
6. I think part of the challenge with monogamy is that physical intimacy is so closely linked to love in most people's minds, and husbands or wives tend to want their partner to always desire them above anyone else.  The challenge I personally have with that is that I have a significantly higher sex drive than my wife... and she has made it very clear that some of the things I enjoy (oral sex, for example, or even worse exhibitionism) are not things she is comfortable with or wants to do. In such a scenario, the choices left to me are to a) respect her wishes and live with those needs / desires unmet, b) persuade, cajole, and bully my wife into meeting them (an option I find distasteful) or c) look outside the relationship for someone who would enjoy those things. No matter which option is selected (with the possible exception of a truly honest, possibly non-manogamous, relationship) someone will end up feeling hurt & unloved.
7. That sums up the problems of monogamy rather nicely. It might help to realize that monogamy is religious in its origins. Christian, specifically. Even the Jewish religion and the original Jewish form of Christianity taught monogamy. Just the opposite. And almost all pagan societies practiced some form of "swinging" as it is now called today.  The problems you describe are, in my experience, epidemic in our society and caused by the moral training we receive from the time we learn to talk. Disconnect fealty to one's spousal unit from sex and create a whole different dynamic that is much healthier for both partners in the relationship.
8. Up to a point... What I (in a moment of extreme stupidity) did several years ago - cheat - should also be considered unacceptable. Fortunately in couples that "swing", there is no reason to cheat (by which I mean conduct clandestine liaisons just to scratch a particular sexual itch).
9. Well yes... "Cheating," i.e. lying, is never good. Always creates complications. Not to mention what it will do to your health over the long haul. Worse than smoking.
10. Its not dead, but its seriously wounded.
11. Its unrealistic........
12. Probably not... though both might not be aware of it. LOL!
13. Human's are not naturally monogamous, physically anyway. But society teaches us from the word go that's not only the way, it's the only way. Well, fuck socity, they're wrong. When we figure that out en masse, our society will be better of for it.