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10 mistakes men make in bed (updated!)

Even after nearly 17 years of sex , I still find that some women forget the basic etiquette of pleasing a man during sex.

1 – Skipping foreplay: Unless we are fucking in the restroom at a truckstop, you have time for foreplay. No excuses. Its time for you to stop lying there and reciprocate some of the attention men give.

2 – Forgetting that an erect penis doesn't come out of garments easily. Take care how you handle it. It may not break, but it certainly feels like it.

3 – Complaining about using a condom: The condom is mandatory so shut up and let me put it on!

4 – Complaining about me kissing you while my mouth is covered with your juices. You want me to eat you. You like when I eat you. You complain if I don't eat you. These are YOUR juices, placed here by MY efforts to satisfy YOUR needs. Most women seem to enjoy the way they taste, some even get off on it. Get over it.

5 – Expecting me to do all the work on top: Let’s face it, this is a partnership. It takes two to tango. The rare occasion when you actually choose a position that requires you to do more than lie back and be serviced is a treat that shouldn't have to be. You wonder why I pass out so often after sex? Its because I'm doing all the work. How about participating from time to time? I'd like to be having sex with more than just a wet hole and moaning sound effect.

6 – Being too selfish. Now a guy really likes to satisfy his Lady. He does. But you expect me to be a mind reader like Mel Gibson. I'm not. Offer up a suggestion, a desire. Want to be fucked? Want a position? Want your hair pulled? Nipples nibbled on? Here's your cue: speak up. (How not to express yourself?: "Keep your dick in the proper place unless otherwise directed." That just makes you sound like a controlling bitch.)

7 – Sounding like a nagging priss: we make you unhappy if we make no noise. We make you unhappy if we make the wrong noise. Deal with it. I'm trying to concentrate on getting YOU off, not conducting an orchestra.

8 – Accidentally almost snapping my dick off: By now you should know how your vagina and my dick work together. Ok, so you're on top for maybe the third time this year (lucky me!). You rise up (too far) and down you come at the wrong angle. Holy shit!! Do you know how you not only just killed the mood, but my drive for the next three weeks. I'm lucky my dick isn't in traction.

9 – Forgetting to shave before a date: Most men would agree with the statement that pubic stubble sucks. Trying to pick panty lint out of your velcro isn’t easy. Either let your hair grow a little more or shave right before the date. I don't want to be eating little balls of cotton, nor does stubble feel any better on my mouth than it does on yours. Nor is it attractive.

10 – Farting during sex. Hey, you knew you might get laid tonight, so why did you ask me to take you out for Mexican food? What? Run out of Bean-o? You think I want to eat your gas? You think its attractive to make you orgasm and shit yourself all at the same time? That isn't a skill I wish to have. I don't fart while we're in bed, can you refrain as well?

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